Post # 64 - Dole Pre-Cut Spinach Fiasco - 12-10-2009

I see this as a legitimate annoyance.  I've seen it happen twice now--the contest packet ends up covered in dressing in a big salad bowl.  Like the ranch bottle squirter thing, I'm just trying to make our salad experiences less "eventful".
-----------------------------------------
Dear Dole,

I feel violated. I was at my weekly Brimley's Bridge Club Salad Social Extravaganza. I brought a delightful spinach salad with warm bacon dressing. The spinach of choice: Dole.

There are charter members who decide who stays and who goes, who sits on a cushy chair, and who doesn't.  If it came strictly down to bridge play, I would have been "anointed" seventeen years ago. As you can imagine, it's more about politics, perceptions, appearances, and making a positive impressions.

As the other club members enjoyed my salad, I felt a sense of pride and acceptance. I could hear my name being read off at the next banquet. I could see my name in 16 point Times New Roman on the little gold plate. This salad would put me over the hump.

No it wouldn't. As I emptied shiny green leaves of spinach goodness, I didn't see a shiny green packet containing recipes and quite possibly coupons, which your workers lovingly placed in my salad bag.

Tommy Pemblewood, the Chairman of Brimley's Bridge Club, suffers from what I call "Muppet Mouth". He has a very wide opening there (it spans across his entire face). The opposite would be someone like Donald Trump, who has a tiny mouth, and would have a difficult time enjoying all of the flavors in a submarine sandwich. Anyway, Tommy sometimes fills that mouth a little too full, and doesn't always chew well. He swallowed your recipe packet, and felt a little ill, until he "passed" it a week later.

I was reprimanded, accused of pulling a fast one, and dressed down in front of the entire BBC population, and their families, at our banquet. I was essentially sent to the back of the line.

Why would you package something shiny and green, amongst shiny green leaves? This can't be your first complaint about this. How about attaching the packet to the inside of the bag? Maybe make it bright red and really big so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle and covered with warm bacon dressing.

These are just a few ideas. Let me know what you come up with down there at the Salad ranch.

Sincerely,

Jerry

---------------------------------

Follow-up sent 12/21/2009

Dear Dole,

You've been quiet. I raised an issue with you on December 10th. Shiny green packets buried in shiny green leaves of spinach is a bad idea. What do you think?

Please advise.

Jerry

--------------------------------------------

Form letter from Dole, dated 12/22/2009:

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting us about your experience with DOLE Salads promotion. We appreciate that you have given us the opportunity to respond.

In order that we may fully respond to your report, it would be helpful that you call us toll free at 1-800-356-3111. We can be reached Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Pacific Time and are happy to assist you. When calling, please reference the contact number of 010011621A.

We apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you again for contacting us, and for your interest in Dole products.

Sincerely,

Consumer Response Staff

Dole Consumer Services

-----------------------------

My response, dated 12/31/2009:

Dear Nameless Corporate Subset of Dole,

Thank you for the form letter.

I can tell you take consumer input seriously. You're asking me to respond by using my cell phone minutes to call and re-explain my concerns, concerns that are abundantly clear in my December 10th and 21st notes.

The part that irks me more--I'm no longer a name. I'm 010011621A, the Salad Eater. If my input really mattered, everyone would already know who I am when I call. "Oh--Jerry. He's the guy that probably saves us $18 million in lawsuits by advising us to take our shiny green information packets out of our bags of shiny green spinach. Moreover, if my input REALLY mattered, your December 22 form letter would have had a sticky note attached that read: "This is being handled promptly--good catch".

I choose not to call. I feel my re-explanation will be met with comments about how "your feedback is very important to us", and "your information has been forwarded to the appropriate management". No thanks. I think I'm switching my allegiances to Del Monte.

Sincerely,

010011621A, the Salad Eater

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post #63 - War on Spam - Sus, Rafael, and Menzies-In-A-Frenzy 9/19/2009

Subject: Confirmation Letter From The Lottery Board?

Date: Sat, 19 Sep 2009 21:16:05 -0400

From: Susan

Dear e-MAIL Winner,

Your email address won £850,000.00 GBP in this month NATIONAL LOTTERY E-mail online drew.
To file for your claim, contact our agent Mr. Rafael M. with the details below(Full Names, Contact Address, Country, Age, Sex, Occupation &
Telephone numbers) to this Email: uknl.claimsdept0400@hotmail.com

Phone Number: Tel: +44 703 595 6312

Please do reply to this mail Email:uknl.claimsdept0400@hotmail.com
Yours Sincerely,
Susan
(Web-Email Information Manager)
----------------------------------------------------------

My note to Rafael. I also cc’ed Susan. Sent 9/20/2009.

Dear Mr. Rafael Marshall,

Sus told me to contact you. She said (nudge nudge, wink wink) my name was drawn in this month's NATIONAL LOTTERY. The truth is, and she probably told you some of this, but we go back quite a ways.

We first crossed paths in finishing school. My best friend, Parker, had asked her to the ball. I was there with my best girl, Pam. Well, during Forever Young (by Alphaville, not that old wanker Rod), our eyes met. Pam and Parker were off in the school parking lot necking and drinking the Boone's Farm. We danced until our chaperones told us it was time to go.

It seems that night, between slow dances, we talked all about our dreams. I yearned to go pursue a chemical engineering degree and develop new preservatives for companies like Hostess. Sus dreamed of becoming a Web-Email Information Manager. It seemed far-out because the web and email were so new and unfamiliar. But as Sting taught us, if you love someone, set them free.

Then one night, several years later, I was at my friend's bachelor party in his apartment complex rec room. There was a big cake. Guess who popped out of there? You guessed it--Sus. She did a sensual dance and managed to get frosting all over the place--she really wasn't too good of a stripper. She was arrested later that night for prostitution and drug use. I bailed her out, and placed her in rehab. Since she also lost her license, I drove her to her meetings each and every day at 4:30 PM. During all of these trips, we fell in love.

Then Sus had an awakening. She was tired of her job as Web-Email Information Manager, and she liked talking like an overzealous manager at Arthur Treachers (Ahoy Matey—try our new combos! Arrrgh!). She left me too pursue her dream of becoming a pirate. I really hate that Sting song.

Several years later, I was on a Caribbean cruise. Guess who boarded our boat, in full pirate garb, eye patch, hook, and all? Sus. The security people took her right down--she really was a pathetic pirate. She was so bad; in fact, the security people believed me when I told them she thought there was a costume party. All charges were dropped. We fell in love again. She re-applied for her old Web-Email Information Manager position. She promised that one day, she would repay me for saving her, and also for all of the drugging and whoring. Well, this “NATIONAL LOTTERY" drawing is her elaborate way of thanking me.

Here is my information:
Full Names: Rancington VanMullenicks
Contact Address: 86 Bagel Cream Cheese Drive, Philadelphia, PA 19131
Country: USA

Age: 31

Sex: Male
Occupation: Food Additive Engineer
Telephone Numbers: Sus barfed on my phone when she was de-toxing. I never replaced it, out of support and devotion to her.

Sincerely,

Rancington

P.S.--Sus--I just want to thank you. Also, I’m still unattached if you are currently drug and disease-free.

--------------------------------------

From: uknl.claimsdept04@hotmail.com
Subject: PRIZE CLAIMS PROCEDURE

Date: Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:53:18 +0100

The National Lottery,

35 Tottenham Court
Road London.
WD112T.
United Kingdom

PRIZE CLAIMS PROCEDURE

Dear Rancington VanMullenicks,

Your identification have been received in this office.  Due to Government Policies of our Country (UK),all legal procedures should be observed. This means that you have been officially cleared for payment by the Verifications Department at the headquarters of the National Lottery. Your Fund, original copy of your winning certificate, together with a covering document (Money Laundering protection and Letter of Affidavit for Claims) from the UK government stating that the money was obtained legally through their National Lottery promotion.

You are to come down to London for handover of your winning.Alternatively,If you cannot make it down you are to contact the lottery office Attorney, Barrister Menzies Haggerty, He will be in position to hand over your winnings to you with all the necessary documents since you cannot be present here in person. He has been the lottery office Attorney for over twelve years and his integrity have been held as one of the most reliable Attorney in the United Kingdom, therefore feel free to relate things with him.

You can contact him in his chambers with the email address and details below :
The Law Offices of Barrister Menzies Haggerty Chambers
28 Blackheath Road

Greenwich

London

SE10 8DA

Telephone: +44 798 042 9230
+44 703 598 0958
Fax: On Request

DX: 12408 Northampton

Email:enquiries@menzieshaggerty.com

When contacting the lottery office Attorney you are to inform him if you want your winning amount to be sent to you by courier Delivery Company or bank to bank transfer.

He will attend to you and get your verification process finalized soonest.

Once again congratulations.

Have a nice day as you contact the lottery Office legal Counsel.

--------------------------------------------------------
My note to Menzie, cc’ed Rafael and Susan 9/22/09
From: uknl.claimsdept04@hotmail.com
Subject: PRIZE CLAIMS PROCEDURE

Date: Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:53:18 +0100

The National Lottery,
35 Tottenham Court
Road London.
WD112T.

United Kingdom

PRIZE CLAIMS PROCEDURE

Dear Rancington VanMullenicks,

Your identification have been received in this office.

Due to Government Policies of our Country (UK),all legal procedures should be observed.

This means that you have been officially cleared for payment by the Verifications Department at the headquarters of the National Lottery. Your Fund, original copy of your winning certificate, together with a covering document (Money Laundering protection and Letter of Affidavit for Claims) from the UK government stating that the money was obtained legally through their National Lottery promotion.

You are to come down to London for handover of your winning.Alternatively,If you cannot make it down you are to contact the lottery office Attorney, Barrister Menzies Haggerty, He will be in position to hand over your winnings to you with all the necessary documents since you cannot be present here in person. He has been the lottery office Attorney for over twelve years and his integrity have been held as one of the most reliable Attorney in the United Kingdom, therefore feel free to relate things with him.

You can contact him in his chambers with the email address and details below :
The Law Offices of Barrister Menzies Haggerty Chambers
28 Blackheath Road

Greenwich

London
SE10 8DA
Telephone: +44 798 042 9230
+44 703 598 0958
Fax: On Request
DX: 12408 Northampton

Email:enquiries@menzieshaggerty.com

When contacting the lottery office Attorney you are to inform him if you want your winning amount to be sent to you by courier Delivery Company or bank to bank transfer.

He will attend to you and get your verification process finalized soonest.

Once again congratulations.

Have a nice day as you contact the lottery Office legal Counsel.

Mr. Rafael M.
----------------------
My 9/22/2009 reply to Menzies, Sus, and Rafael

Hey Barrister Menzies,

What's shakin', big fella? I can either fly my company jet over there, or we can pay a middle man, a courier, if you will, to deliver my winnings to Susie and I.

Susie makes my heart sing. She has that innocent smile that makes you forget all of the drugs and whoring from her past. I'm planning on stopping by her pad to make sure she's still on the straight and narrow. We both know that's a fifty fifty proposition. And that proposition is a bad choice of words.

How are Rafael's bunions? Did he try out the lotion that I sent him? He's new to folk dancing. New dancing shoes on the first day? Come on Raf!

Let me know the next steps. Let's get this baby done.

Thanks,

Rancington
----------------------------------------------
From: enquiries@menzieshaggerty.com
Subject: LEGAL REPRESENTATION
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2009 10:37:27 +0100

MENZIES HAGGERTY CHAMBERS (UK)
(Attorney-at-Law and Solicitors)
Menzies Haggerty Chambers
Suite 3,80A Blackheath Road
Greenwich
London
E10 8DA
Telephone: +44 703 598 0958
Fax: On Request
Email:enquiries@menzieshaggerty.com
Website:http://menzieshaggerty.com/home
LEGAL REPRESENTATION

Attention:Winner,

Congratulations on your winnings. Your name was forwarded to my chambers Some days back as a winner of The National Lottery but because i was in court at the early hours of the day, I could not contact you. As usual, Your winning claims process have to be finalised and handed over to you by me who is the legal counsel to the lottery Office. This is as a result of the sensitivity involved on such amount of money been handed over.

Firstly, I am Mr. Menzies Haggerty. A legal practitioner for over thirty years and as a matter of Fact, The National Lottery have been working hand in hand with me and other colleague in my chambers for over twelve years. I have my Good name all over the globe and a lot of letters that have been sent by Past winners of The National Lottery to my chambers appreciating me and my co-workers for the Good work. If you reside within the United Kingdom. I will appreciate you coming to my chambers for proper verification process Registration. But nevertheless, If you are outside the United Kingdom.

You should write a letter and send it through email stating that you are a true winner of The National Lottery, and as a matter of Fact, You have handed over your verification process to be completed by Menzies Haggerty.

Your Full Name:
Age:
Profession/Occupation:
Your Present address;
Your Telephone number (not voice mail or answering machine):
Amount Won:
Lottery Agent Name:
Your winnings E-mail address:

These should be included in this letter before sending it via email. You should note that this Letter shall be scanned here in my Chamber and would be properly documented for future references. After this is completed, your winnings document shall be obtained from the Lottery Office, Local Tax Office, Affiliated Insurance Company and all other Government prostates involved in the United Kingdom. This will be completed within one working day, and copies of the document shall be scanned and forwarded to you for perusal before embarking on the delivery of these document/transferring the sum amount into your bank account. After all this is completed, Your winning funds will be deposited in your bank account where you can access it after Five working days.

In this regard you are to choose from the options below, the one that best suites you on how you wish to receive your winning prize:

1. The said amount in cash credited will be wired to your bank account via bank transfer.

Condition: The cost of (ACCOUNT ACTIVATION‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏) being charged by our transferring bank, will be paid by you.

Note that your prize is protected by a hardcover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the money before it has been remitted to you. This means that the above charges cannot be deducted from the prize and hence must be provided by you before your prize is transferred to you.

2. Have our affiliate diplomatic carrier company agent deliver your winning certificate and cheque to you in your country personally.

In consonance with our policy in this regard, be advised that if you option for the cheque to be couriered, you shall bear all liability related to this service. That is cost of this service would be borne by you; this is a pre-requisite for this option.

Finally, You should note that your winnings is already covered by an insurance certificate which makes it impossible for any other party except you, to withdraw any amount of money from the winnings. Money can only be withdrawn from this winnings when you confirm the winning money in your bank account and also when you are in the possessions of all your winnings documents.

I will appreciate If email can be send to me personally on this email address. After i receive your email,i will call you to confirm your information.

NOTE: Attached a copy of your IDENTITY (passport, driving license or national identity card). Incomplete document will delay the process.

Very Respectful,

Barr. Menzies Haggerty. (LLb, MABA)
University of Michigan, J.D.,
Editor, Michigan Journal of Law Reform, 1975;
Washington University, B.A., magna cum laude, 1972
C.E.O. Menzies Haggerty Chambers (UK).
---------------------------------------
My 10/1/09 reply:

Dear Barrister Menzies,

I see you're a Michigan Grad. I bet you have scarlet and gray pj's. Can you confirm? You asked for a bunch of info that your little friends already have. You people run a really inefficient operation. It makes me want to come right over there and roll some heads!

Here is my information again. Pay attention, Menzie-All-Worked-Up-In-A-Frenzy:

Full Names: Rancington VanMullenicks
Contact Address: 86 Bagel Cream Cheese Drive, Philadelphia, PA 19131
Country: USA
Age: 31
Sex: Male
Occupation: Food Additive Engineer
Phone: Again, Sus barfed on it, it's nonfunctional. She owes me a new one.
Lottery Agent Name: I'm assuming Rafael. Sus has been awfully quiet--did you have her killed?
Your winnings E-mail address: hey dumbass--look at the header.
Winning amount: £850,000,000.00 GBP
My I.D. is attached.

This is taking a long time. Get moving! Time is money!

Rancington
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: enquiries@menzieshaggerty.com
Subject: LEGAL REQUIREMENT TO PROCEED
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 2009 07:11:33 +0100

MENZIES HAGGERTY CHAMBERS (UK)

(Attorney-at-Law and Solicitors)
Menzies Haggerty Chambers
Suite 3,80A Blackheath Road
Greenwich
London
SE10 8DA

Telephone: +44 703 598 0958

Fax: On Request

Email:enquiries@menzieshaggerty.com
Website:http://menzieshaggerty.com/home

LEGAL REQUIREMENT TO PROCEED

Attn:Winner,

Thanks for your email.

Your package has been sent to the TNT Courier and it is in their warehouse awaiting payment. Understand something your winning cheque and other related documents have been sealed in a brown package ready to be shipped to you.

If you cannot come to the office in the UK, you will have to take care of the Shipping Charges and also pay for my Administrative fees for my services.

I also urge you to keep whatever you are doing confidential because last week we arrested someone who came to our office with fake documents to claim one of the lucky winner's prize after thorough investigations we found out that it was his best friends prize, when we contacted the winner he was shocked and also ashamed because the man he thought he could trust and confine in betrayed him.

This is one of the reasons why we asked you to come to our office in UK yourself but you said you couldn't.
NB: The Cost Of Delivery cannot be deducted from your winning cheque because it has been insured in your name and cannot not be touch unless by you.

The cost of doing all this has been analyzed below. You are expected to send the money before the delivery agent will em-back on the delivery of your consignment

All the expenses that are to be met by you behalf are as follows with there analysis.

EXPRESS DELIVERY {24 Hours)

Courier Charge: 40.07GBP

Insurance Fee 200.12GBP

Administrative Charges 310GBP

Total. 550.19GBP

Please note that you are expected to make payment as soon as possible, Payment of the courier delivery charge should be made through Western Union Money Transfer to our receiving accounts officer. The courier policy require all payments within a certain limit be made through Western Union to our receiving account officer in charge of International Payment for immediate pick-up to facilitate the easy release of your funds to any destination. The details below are needed for the western union money transfer.

Name of Receiver: Balesaria Mehroonnisha

Address of Receiver: Suite 3,80A Blackheath Road Greenwich London SE10 8DA.

Amount to be sent: 550.19GBP

Once the transfer has been made successfully at Western union, I want you to send me the following money transfer information as written in the payment receipt (alternatively, scan the Western Union Payment Receipt):

immediately via email, as a standard procedures to ensure that everything is done in accordance with the British, FSA and European Union Financial Regulations be observed.

NAME OF SENDER:

AMOUNT SENT:

COUNTRY OF SENDER:

MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBER.(M.T.C.N):

NAME OF RECEIVER:

INSURANCE FEE.

Due to the diplomatic and sensitive content of your parcel, it will be illegal to ship it without being insured as it will violate the federal delivery rules governing shipping\delivery. This means payment for the insurance fee must be made before shipment to avoid risk. This is because of some bad experience we had in the past. We can not afford to re-issue your funds if anything goes wrong. In this case payment for the insurance fee is absolutely compulsory.

COURIER CHARGES

This is the exact amount that TNT Express Courier Company is demanding from you so that your parcel can be delivered soonest. Also insurance is mandatory or shipping company will not carry out delivery. I tried to appeal to them to accept C.O.D (cash on delivery).But they will only accept C.O.D for shipping fee.

ADMINISTRATIVE CHARGES.

The administrative charges belongs to this Office, This is the cost of the service the chamber and the attorney therein rendered.

As soon as this payment is made, the Diplomatic agent will enact on the immediate delivery of your winning document, and you will be able to get the document within 72hours of payment.

You should be rest assured that payment is refundable in any case of unforeseen circumstances which rarely occur. We are people of legitimacy and law enforcing people and therefore you should be rest assured of a safe transaction.

Note: That your prize is protected by a hardcover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the money before remittance. This means that the above insurance charges cannot be deducted from the prize and hence must be provided by you before your parcel is shipped. This is in accordance with section 13(1) (n) of the international gambling act as adopted in 1993 and amended on 3RD July 1996 by the constitutional assembly. This is to protect recipients and to avoid misappropriation of funds.

Your attention on this subject matter is urgently needed for fast action.

Very Respectful,

Barr. Menzies Haggerty. (LLb, MABA)

University of Michigan, J.D.,

Editor, Michigan Journal of Law Reform, 1975;

Washington University, B.A., magna cum laude, 1972

C.E.O. Menzies Haggerty Chambers (UK).
---------------------------------------
My response, dates 10/2/2009:

Date: Fri, 2 Oct 2009 06:56:47 -0400

Hey Big Bad Barrister,

I was glad you accepted my paperwork. And ID.

I've got the paperwork together and will head over to Western Union ASAP.

But first one question, and this is right in your wheelhouse: What coach said this about our Wolverines when asked why he went for two despite a 36-point lead against Michigan: "Because I couldn't go for three."

Answer me that, Big Bad Barrister Menzy, All-Worked-Up-In-A-Frenzy!

Sincerely,

Rancington VanMullenicks

--------------------------------

No Reply

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post from a Friend

My friend Joy posted this about the Faygo Wii project on her blog. I'm very appreciative.

You can read and follow her blog, as I do at http://intenseauburn.blogspot.com/

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 62- Kellogg Complete Bran Flakes and the Bound Up Boy - 6/30/1997

Another one from archive. This one was sent 6/30/1997 to Kellogg.

Dear Laxative Legion,

I love your Complete Bran Flakes. I eat them religiously, twice a day. My local grocer loves me. I saved his store from Chapter 11.

My story is one of a kid from a small, struggling town, with a dream—that of regularity. You see, for years I was bound up like a good mystery novel. Doctor visits for a “routine” cleaning were commonplace. Once, my high school gym teacher accidentally dropped my doctor’s note, only for Barry Ludwig to copy and distributes it to the lockers of every student. Nicknames like “Barium Brains”, “Mount Vesuvious”, and “No Flush” resulted.

Then, my Grandfather introduced me to Complete Bran Flakes. “Try these, Son.” He said “You won’t have to push so hard”. So I went down to Mad Jack’s Grocery Store and bought up every box. The next morning, I freed myself of two weeks worth of pressure. The local newspapers caught wind (no pun) of my recovery and put a picture of me with Mad Jack on the front page. The title read “Bounded Up Boy Battles Build-Up with Bran”. Jack offered me half ownership of his store (he was worth $1000 at the time). He was broke and needed my help.

The next morning, new customers suffering from the same affliction flocked Mad Jack’s store because he saved the “boy with the bowel bulge”. Porta-jons were delivered and placed on the side of the stores as hundreds participated in Mad Jack’s Medicine Show. These tourist dollars, combined with the revenue from our hats and T-shirts, helped Mad Jack get back on his feet. Before long, he had built a hotel/casino with an upscale restaurant! Outside investors watched as Jack’s businesses flourished, and the town as well--all because of a boy with a big problem. What can I say—I owe it all to Kellogg.

As a thank you, I decided that your product needs a catchy advertisement campaign. Something like “Kellogg’s Bran Flakes: You’ll Never have Time to Read that Newspaper”, or “With Friends Like Kellogg, Who Needs An Enema”, or my Grandfather’s kind advice: “Kellogg’s Bran Flakes: You Won’t Have to Push So Hard”. Feel free to use these, free of charge. I know, I’m not a Kellogg employee, but it’s the least I can do.

Also, feel free to dig into those deep Kellogg pockets and fire me off some coupons! We are like Bran Flakes and Milk. Without one, the other could never live in fulfillment. Take those words to heart.

Gotta Go—It’s Time for My “10:01”,

Larry
---------------------------------------------------
Reply from Consumer Specialist Dianne at Kellogg, 7/29/2009
Dear Mr. Barnowski,

It was thoughtful of you to take time to let us know how much you enjoy Kellogg’s Complete Bran Flakes. We’re always pleased to hear positive comments from our consumers, and are happy that this cereal has provided you with the fiber you need in your diet. Your letter was entertaining indeed!

We’re glad to have you as pat of our consumer family. All of the people at Kellogg devote a great deal of effort to developing wholesome, appealing products, and it is good to know that you think we have been successful.

Again, thank you for sharing your story, and we hope you will be able to put the enclosed coupons to good use.

Sincerely,

Dianne

Consumer Specialist

--------------------------

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Post #61 - Hidden Valley Ranch Squirter Fiasco

This has been a pet peeve of mine for years. I did it once a while back. My son did this a few weeks back. The 36 ounce Hidden Valley Ranch has the squirter, so you aim the bottle vertically at its target. Then, if you use the 16 ounce bottle in the same way, you have an "aval-ranch". No squirter, just piles and piles of dressing.  I sent this on 10/5/2009:

Dear Hidden Valley Ranch,

In college, I gave a speech about diversity. I used a delicious salad as my example. A salad comprised of only iceberg lettuce is really the most boring salad ever. You throw some cucumber in, maybe some green, yellow, and red bell pepper, Vidalia onion, garden tomato, zesty croutons, now you’re talking! Each part of the salad comes from a different place, and each brings its own flavor. In my example, the Hidden Valley Ranch symbolized racial harmony.

I unveiled a giant salad, and invited everyone to the front of the room. People of every race, color and creed marched to the front of the auditorium met at the front of the room and we enjoyed a salad social for the rest of the class. My professor, livid for having lost control of her classroom, started yelling at me. “How dare you?” I said “You asked me to give a speech about racial harmony. Look around you!” A Plus!

I always buy the 36 ouncer. I am a creature of habit (we all are). I remove the lid, tip the bottle vertical, and delicately drizzle my greens, fries, sandwich contents, or whatever I please. This is, after all, America.

Yesterday, my proverbial salad social had too much racial harmony. I was at the home of my future in-laws. They own the 16 ounce bottle. I removed the cap, tipped the bottle vertical, and delicately…COVERED MY ENTIRE SALAD WITH RANCH. I’ve always been accustomed to the squirter opening. Controlled flow. This bottle, and three others that I bought at separate stores, is missing the squirter. In hindsight, I’ve seen people do this over the years, and always snickered at them. Well now I’m the joke, and I don’t like it.

I ate the salad anyway, and I haven’t been right since. I can’t even look at Hidden Valley Ranch anymore. Now my in-laws are saying things to Connie like “Don’t marry that putz!”

Am I really the first person to bring this to your attention? What marketing genius decided to have different openings on different bottles? Do you see automakers swapping the brake and accelerator pedals? No--people are creatures of habit. Was this one of those bean counter decisions?
-Save $0.02 per bottle by not using the squirter.
-Squirter test population uses an average of 0.8 ounces per application
-Non-squirter test population uses an average of 1.2 ounces per application
-Squirters who use the Non-Squirter bottle use an average of 8 ounces per application

That little trick probably generates $1.2 billion in additional revenue.

Well, count me out. Me who named my three labra-doodles Hidden, Valley, and Ranch. Me, who wears a shirt with “I love Hidden Valley Ranch and I Don’t Care Who Knows It” in black magic marker. Me, the pathetic guy with the “HVRnch1” vanity plate. I’m going to the store right now, and picking out my new “go-to” dressing. It may even be that disgusting-looking “Green Goddess” dressing.

I’m afraid I’m going to need a written explanation. Why? Make a commitment—either all squirter, or all standard opening. Then, give us all 6 months to adapt, and life will once more be grand.

Sincerely,

Jerry

P.S. – I did thorough research on this—the 36 ounce squirter fitting does indeed fit in the 16 ounce bottle. If you really wanted to protect your customers, you could.
-----------------------------------
Sent 10/27/2009

Dear Hidden Valley Ranch,

I sent you a note on October 5th about a product issue that I have experienced with your salad dressings. I feel that this is a legitimate beef. You should put the squirter nozzle on all of your plastic dressing bottles, to prevent people who are accustomed to the nozzle, from dumping half-a-bottle of ranch on their salads when they encounter a non-squeezer bottle.

Why was there no response? Do we only respond to recipe ideas and praises?

Just wondering.

Jerry
-------------------------------------
From: hiddenvalley@consumerreply.com

Subject: Reference Number: 5965176
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:48:24 -0500
October 28, 2009
Reference Number: 5965176

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting us about your Hidden Valley Salad Dressing. We always appreciate hearing from our consumers.

We apologize you did not receive a response from us about a pour spout. Our records do not indicate receiving the previous email from you. The 24 ounce and larger bottles do have a pour spout on them; unfortunately, the 16 ounce bottle does not. I have forwarded your request for a pour spout on to our marketing department.
Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,

Patti
Consumer Response Representative
Consumer Services

Did you know: Kids eat more vegetables when they come with Ranch Dressing.

To let us know what you think about your experience emailing our company, please click on the following link to complete an online satisfaction survey.
http://surveys.affina.com/metasurveyExternal/cgi-bin/qwebcorporate.cgi?idx=WU72GH

If you have additional questions or comments, please click here to respond to this email.
---------------------------------------------
My response, sent 10/28/2009:

Patti,

Thank you. I know I pushed the submit button on October 5th. There wasn't any confirmation that it went through though.

I have two requests:

1) I'm really curious why the decision was made to "not" include this feature on the 16 ounce bottle. I work in the consumer product industry, and can verify that such decisions are typically decided by bean counters, based on dollars and cents. In this case, probably less than five cents per 16 ounce bottle. Can you ask the bean counters for an explanation?

2) Can you please keep me notified--I won't be buying until the squirter nozzle is added. As a result, I won't know when it "hits the market".

Thanks again for responding. Sorry about the mix-up on the first letter, and possibly going a little A-to-Z, jumping to conclusions. I can get a little zany.

Thank you,

Jerry
--------------------------------------
October 29, 2009
Reference Number: 5965176

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting us about your Hidden Valley Salad Dressing. We always appreciate hearing from our consumers.

I honestly do not have an answer for you as to why they do not put the pour spout on the 16 ounce bottle, I can only guess. The 16 ounce bottle has a low volume of sales and it is such a small bottle marketing has decided not to include the pour spout on it. I agree it probably would not cost that much to include it. I did forward your request to our marketing department. I am sending you a coupon for the 24 ounce bottle since all bottles 24 ounce and larger do have the pour spout. You should receive the coupon in 7-10 business days.

Again, thank you for contacting us.

Sincerely,

Patti
Consumer Response Representative
Consumer Services

Did you know: Kids eat more vegetables when they come with Ranch Dressing.
-----------------------------------
My reply, sent 10/29/2009

Patti,

Thank you very much. I appreciate all of your help.

Sincerely,

Jerry

P.S. - Did you know my kids eat more ranch dressing when there isn't a squirter nozzle?

-------------------------------

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Post #60 - Satanic Espresso Maker - 8/9/2009

I wrote this for some friends of mine whose espresso maker crapped out on them.

Dear Gaggia,

Each and every morning, I have a deeply religious experience. I roll out of bed, throw on my bathrobe and slippers, and march downstairs to my Gaggia Syncrony Compact CE Espresso Maker. I lovingly measure out the beans; grind them, all the while enjoying the aroma and sound of my morning beverage preparing itself before my eyes, ears, and nose.

This morning ritual is my happy time--I sacrifice it for nothing.

Early meeting? Get up a little earlier.

Telephone call? Call back later.

Screaming baby? Nature beats nurture.

Large laceration on my arm (and this actually happened)? That ambulance ride will feel a lot better after a nice shot of espresso from my Gaggia Syncrony Compact CE.

You can imagine how violated and betrayed I felt when the brown cow (that's what I call her) started acting insolent. That loving gurgle became an angry hiss. It started “peeing” all over the counter. The delightful frothy milk that used to grace my little Tad’s hot cocoa, began scalding his roof. Second degree burn, but first degree betrayal!

No offense, but if your Espresso Maker were a beloved family dog that harmed Tad, he’d be “sent away to live on a large farm.” Nobody scalds my Tad’s mouth. You get it? Nobody. I spent a lot of money on your machine, to ensure that I have a quality product that doesn’t need to be replaced. For a few years now, I felt like that investment was justified. Now I feel like I’ve invested a large sum of money for a machine that hisses and screams at me, and a Tad with a blister on his roof.

Worst of all, your Gaggia Syncrony Compact CE undermined me. I had told Tad that Cap’n Crunch was bad because it scrapes your roof. So now, if I ever again want espresso, I have to start buying him Cap’n Crunch. Do you see our dilema?


I demand a written explanation and resolution. No doubt you’ve manufactured a million of these things. No doubt, you’ve received a complaint or two. If you have some troubleshooting steps that you would like me to perform, let me know. If you are able to diagnose the problem based on my descriptions that would be acceptable as well. If you want to evaluate it for possible design improvements, please send me a shipping label.

Specifically:
What would cause this?
How do we fix it?
Once it’s fixed, how do we ensure that it never happens again, to anyone?

Sincerely,

Jerry
---------------------
They never replied. Their website is all Italian--I needed to use a translator.

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post #59 - War on Spam - Salami!

From: Mr Salam Z.
African Development Bank
Burkina Faso (ADB)
Ouagadougou - Burkina Faso .

Dear friend,
I am writing to seek your cooperation over this business, please due welcome this letter.

I am Mr Salam Zanni, the director of the accounts & auditing dept .at the African Development Bank Ouagadougou-west Africa . (A D B) With due respect, I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be beneficial to both of us.

At the bank's last accounts/auditing evaluations, my staffs came across an old account which was being maintained by a foreign client who we learnt was among the deceased passengers of motor accident on November.2003,the deceased was unable to run this account since his death. The account has remained dormant without the knowledge of his family since it was put in a safe deposit account in the bank for future investment by the client.

Since his demise, even the members of his family haven't applied for claims over this fund and it has been in the safe deposit account until I discovered that it cannot be claimed since our client is a foreign national and we are sure that he has no next of kin here to file claims over the money. As the director of the department, this discovery was brought to my office so as to decide what is to be done. I decided to seek ways through which to transfer this money out of the bank and out of the country too.

The total amount in the account is ten million five hundred thousand dollars (USD 10,500,000.00).with my positions as staffs of the bank, I am handicapped because I cannot operate foreign accounts and cannot lay bonfire claim over this money. The client was a foreign national and you will only be asked to act as his next of kin and I will supply you with all the necessary information and bank data to assist you in being able to transfer this money to any bank of your choice where this money could be transferred into.

The total sum will be shared as follows: 50% for me, 50% for you and expenses incidental occur during the transfer will be insure by both of us. The transfer is risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund transfer to your account.

Since I work in this bank that is why you should be confident in the success of this transaction because you will be updated with information as at when desired.

I will wish you to keep this transaction secret and confidential as I am hoping to retire with my share of this money at the end of transaction which will be when this money is safety in your account. I will then come over to your country for sharing according to the previously agreed percentages. You might even have to advise me on possibilities of investment in your country or elsewhere of our choice. May God help you to help me to a restive retirement, Amen,

Please for further information and enquiries feel free to contact me back immediately for more explanation and better understanding.

I am waiting for your urgent response!!!

Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr Salam Z.
--------------------------------------------------------------
My reply to Salam on 7/28/2009

RE: I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE FOR THIS TRANSACTION‏

Dear Mr. Salami,

I indeed due welcome your invitation. Although I find it odd that the deceased motor accident victim was unable to manage his accounts. My deceased grandfather, Grampy, manages all of my investments. He's a spirit. He uses his ghostly powers to attend board meetings for me, and gain insider information, which I then use to stay one step ahead of the market. Also, as a lad at the bus stop, this one fellow, Brandon, teased me. To this day, probably once a month, Grampy sneaks into his house and leaves his mayonnaise open. Brandon, due to the side effects, can't keep a job, a girl, or a white pair of trousers.

Needless to say, Grampy is never wrong. Grampy helps at the race tracks too. That's probably his best trick. One can be effective when all but one horse have eaten hay soaked with Grampy's tainted mayonnaise.

I'm sure your little project is all on the up and up. And I'm sure I can help you with your investments.

Let's become fast friends. I like the music of Howard Jones, Rocky Road Ice Cream, and lots of Gin. How about you?

Sincerely,

Charles Encharje Uvowrlives

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Call me on this line for further explanations: 00226 7573 9117‏
From: salam Z.
Sent:Wed 7/29/09 1:41 PMTo: jeromeherman@hotmail.com

Dear friend,

Thank you for your answer to my proposition. How is your family? I hope no problem. Please I want you to know that this is a legitimate transaction, don't be afraid of anything, it is real and genuine.

You are advice to look at my second mail and when you assure me that you will help me to safe keep this fund when it enters into your account I will prepare the official request form or application letter which you will fill and send it to our bank by the e-mail address of the bank to pay you pressing attention to your demand towards the bank as the heir for dead customer.

Know that this deal is 100 % risk free. Be assured that I shall supply you with the detailed information which they will require from you as regards to this deal.

Note, you should not allow the bank to know that you have a partner who supplies you with the information they require from you to support your demand as heir to Mr Kattan Azmal.

Be assured that if you can understand and follow my instructions, there will be no difficulty for the bank to transfer this fund into your account. I am a man of 46yrs with 3 children.

I will retire from the public service any moment as soon as I conclude this deal with you. Bear in mind that this fund belongs to a foreigner but regrettably he died with his family in fatal motor accident and so far nobody came to our bank to demand this fund as heir to the deceased and I being from Burkina Faso citizen, I cannot demand this fund because it belongs to a foreigner and only a foreigner can demand this fund.

Note that the fund must be transferred in your account under 7 working days counting from the day of submission of your application and approval by our bank.

The total sum will be shared as follows: 50% for me, 50% for you and expenses incidental occur during the transfer will be incure by both of us. The transfer is risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund transfer to your account

There will be some vital and legal documents to back up this transfer into your account and there is no way the bank will transfer the money into your account without those documents which is going to obtain here as the origin and source of this fund.

Meanwhile I make it very clear this fund is here life in this bank so do not be afraid to apply as the next of kin, am here to back you up to make sure everything is ok.

I await your answer as urgency implies. Thank you and my respect to your beautiful family and to hope to be with you soon.

Call me on this line for further explanations: 00226 7573 9117,Please equally forward your telephone number to me for effective communication.

Mr Salam Z.
--------------------------------------
My response, sent 7/29/2009

Dear Mr. Salami,

Thank you for asking about my family. All is NOT well with them, unfortunately. In America, we are encouraged to make our homes efficient prior to selling. Over the past month, I have in the process of having insulation installed. My ex-wife replaced all of the insulation with pink cotton candy. My house is INFESTED with ants. We’ve had to strip the interior down to the studs, to apply pesticides. As a result, I have no phone service at this time.

Normally, when I receive such emails with descriptors like “real” or “genuine”, a red flag goes up. However, when someone uses BOTH “real” and “genuine”, I feel much better. You’re in, big guy! Send me all the paperwork. This is going to be really, really great.

The Ghost of Grampy says “hi”. He has some advice for investments for you. One is “Apple Computers”. They have some stuff-a-brewin’, according to their chairman at their last board meeting. He seems to enjoy Lemon Crème sandwich cookies, which is odd for a big shot.

Also, as a blessing on our transaction, Grampy will unleash the most hostile of digestive tract ailments via mayonnaise or other non-pasteurized egg-based products, upon anyone who stands in our way. Bankers, loan officers, customs officials, government employees—either on your end or mine—will spend a week or more doubled over on the crapper if they screw with us.

In return, all he asks is that each of us says “hi” back. See, spirits get lonely. They need companionship like anyone. He said it’s okay if you just type it in an email.

By the way--were you on a TV show called “White Shadow?” There was an Italian fellow on there named Salami. Just checking. Probably a coink-ee-dink, eh?

Enough for now. Send those documents!

Sincerely,

Charles Encharje Uvowrlives

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

The Official Word - 12/14/2009

The official word came today. Now it's a matter of coodinating pick-up at Faygo, and Delivery to the hospital. Thanks again everyone--I'll keep you posted!
--------------------
Subject: RE: Wee Love Faygo Contest
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 2009 14:31:58 -0500
From: faygoweb@faygo.com

I suppose one day early wouldn't hurt anything. You are indeed a winner. How would you like to receive your prize? We have it here at Faygo.

Matthew Rosenathal
Director of Marketing
Faygo Beverages, Inc.

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post #58 - Prego and the Spatula-Eating Jar -9/28/2010

Dear Prego,

As a retired astronaut who missed his only mission by one lousy windstorm, narrow misses drive me bonkers. Try training for eleven long years, politicking, sleeping every night in a tumbling dryer to combat claustrophobia. Try eating all of your food out of toothpaste tubes, just in case that phone rings, and you’re reinstated.

See, I was John Glenn’s alternate. He caught a bout of the whooping cough, and almost missed Friendship 7. I was all set to go—then the weather bozos called for a windstorm that delayed the launch. By the time the launch was rescheduled, Glenn was healthy and I was scratched. The phone did ring many years later—they asked me to go up into orbit. But the next day, John Glenn came home from Mardi Gras, and they picked him over me.

I deal with my anger by cooking. I love making spaghetti, and Prego is my sauce of choice. Look—the Prego jar drives me bonkers. It is quite wide, with a narrow opening. Those upper corners are next to impossible to access. The opening is too narrow for a spatula, and one that fits, it beheads itself on the way out. You almost need a hockey stick shape.

I’ve measured—there’s good half-ounce of sauce in each jar that I pay for, and don’t get to use. You do the math—25 years x 52 weeks (plus 6 leap days) x 2 jars a week, x ½ ounce. You owe me 1301 ounces of sauce, by my math—the same math used to safely slice through the atmosphere at the correct angle. You owe me fourteen spartulas—that’s how many have come apart upon removal from your poorly designed jar.

I demand a written explanation—what are we going to do to fix the jar? May I recommend the toothpaste tube? What are we going to do about the 1301 ounces of sauce that you owe me?

Where is my last half ounce of sauce, and the business end of my spatula? Check the jar—it’s in there.

Sincerely,

Jerry
------------------------------------------
From: campbellsoup@casupport.com
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 2009 11:23:51 -0400
Subject: Ref #: 004402538A

Mr Jerry, we received your message and appreciate your taking the time to contact Campbell Soup Company. I'm sorry to hear that you are disappointed with the design of our packaging.

At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers. We try to develop products that are pleasing to most consumers. A significant amount of research and testing is conducted before any product improvement or change is introduced into the marketplace. Various package designs were developed and tested and those that most consumers preferred were chosen.

Thank you for sharing your comments. I have forwarded them to our design and development teams so they too may benefit from your insight.

Please accept the coupon we have sent to you via the mail with my apologies for any inconvenience you may have experienced. The coupon can be redeemed for any product in the Campbell family of brands including V8, Prego, Pace, and Pepperidge Farm.
Please contact the Consumer Response Center or visit Campbell's website if we can be of further assistance.

Thank you for visiting the Campbell Soup Company website.

Campbell Soup Company Web Team
LXR/cl

004402538A

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post #57 - Governor Graholm and the Whistling Tax

Dear Governor Granholm,

I was the unlucky, but deserving recipient of a "don't turn on red" ticket in Warren yesterday. The officer who stopped me was clearly stationed there for hours, writing ticket after ticket. I also realized that it was August 31st.

We can argue back and forth about driver responsibility and traffic violation revenue generation. We all know there's some overlap there, and it's most evident with the leeway aspect. Nobody gets off with a warning anymore, which I think stinks.

This started a thought process in my head though--how can we generate revenue for Michigan without further crushing the very people who live here in financial hardship?

Previously, I had suggested to Governor Engler, a "Behave or Pave" program, whereby prisoners would work in chain gangs to repair our roads. I now realize, that would only increase unemployment. Instead I would have them sort our garbage for recycling.

Back to the topic--revenue generation. Here goes--there are people who whistle who really shouldn't. There are very few who should. Pat Benetar in "Love is a Battlefield" is the only one I can think of.

The reasons are many:
-They may be tone deaf.
-They may pick lousy songs like the Titanic theme, or "On My Own" by Michael McDonald and Patti LaBelle.
-They may apply too much vibrato.
-They may whistle too often.
-They may pick lengthy songs.
-They may whistle too loud.
-They may be whistling in a weird place like the stall next to you.

In the end, 90 percent of the time, it's pure noise pollution. Have you ever really heard someone else whistling and actually stopped what you were doing to enjoy the song? No, and probably for one of the reasons above.

I recommend a Whistling Certification program. Completely paid for by the whistlers themselves. Have courses, instructors, final exams, and jury evaluations. Make them wear a special wristband whenever they whistle, with an 800 number that we can call to complain. Make them have to re-certify every three years.

Just like every softball junkie thinks they could play baseball, every whistler thinks they're Bon Jovi. They'll pay the price. If they fail the jury evaluations, they'll pay for more coursework. They'll pay for the license; they’ll pay for the bracelet. Make the bracelets out of license plate, and have the prisons crank those out.

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you're not a whistler, and I didn't just insult you.

Sincerely,
Jerry

No response

------------------------

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From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/

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Post # 56 - Santa Shorted Me Half-a-Clark Bar - 12/26/2006

This really happened. I was given a partial Clark Bar, factory sealed, for Christmas. I sent this note on the Clark Bar website. They limited my letter, which is why this is more succinct than normal.

Sent: Tuesday, December 26, 2006 12:09 PM
To: Contact Us
Subject: Complaints
Contact Reason: Complaints

Comments:

To Whom It May Concern:

Clark Bars are a stocking stuffer tradition in our house. Since they are "hard to find", they make a great holiday treat.

How do I respond when my daughter says "Santa gave me half a Clark Bar?" Upon inspection, the wrapper is sealed, but there is only half of a bar in there.

How does this get out of the "North Pole?" I'm a little disappointed in the Necco Umbrella that provides our favorite bar. My daughter's 1.75 oz bar is less than 1 ounce. Do you have any explanations? I have photo's if you need them. Barcode reads 7 36897 00818 7.

Disappointed,

Jerry
--------------------------------------

This was the response from Theresa, at New England Confectionary:

December 29, 2006

Dear Jerry:

We would like to thank you for contacting the New England Confectionery Company regarding your recent purchase of our Clark Bar. We greatly appreciate you taking the time to inform us of this incident.

We were sorry to learn you received a short bar. It appears the bars were accidentally cut during the wrapping process. After the sealing machine, there is an inspection station where these items should be picked out and rejected. bviously, in this instance, one was overlooked. This letter has been referred to our Quality Control and the manufacturing manager so that this issue may be addressed with the people in the area.

Again, thank you for bringing this to our attention, and we apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you or your daughter, but even. We are sending you a replacement package by UPS. We hope you find these acceptable.

Sincerely,
Theresa
Consumer Correspondent
--------------------------------------
Surely enough, about a week later, I received an air shipped box filled with styrofoam peanuts and five (5) Clark Bars. I appreciated the gesture, but wondered aloud, why five? For the cost of air freighting, why wouldn't you send a whole case? A 36 pack would have fit in the box.

Post #55 - Qdoba Round #2 - 9/3/2009

This was sent 9/3/2009.

Dear Brad,

Picture the best concert, from your favorite band of all times. Let’s just say Blue Oyster Cult, for discussion’s sake. You’re at their concert. First song: Godzilla--you can only hear the base. Next song: Burnin’ For You--you only hear the drums. Third song: (Don’t Fear the) Reaper—only the vocals. And then the concert’s over because those are their only three songs. But the concert would have been better if you could hear all of the instruments together. A Qdoba burrito is a song. A great song—no Starship “We Built This City” BS! I want to hear the whole song.

Back in March, I brought to your attention an issue that I’ve experienced on MOST occasions. My issue is, and has always been content distribution within the burrito arena. I believe I compared it to a high school dance—the tortilla is the high school gymnasium. The rice equals the girls. The meat and beans equals the boys. Because it’s a big gymnasium, my mouth can only cover one third of the gym at a time. I can never enjoy the whole experience unless I cut it open and mix it together, and tediously regroup everything on my fork—meat, rice , beans, cheese and sour cream, along with a piece of tortilla.. That’s a lot of work, especially on a tour bus that bounces on every pot hole! Mullins was SUPPOSED to replace those shocks.

Here’s an illustration. This thing’s about 8 inches wide by 3 inches tall.


In your replies, you seemed keen on addressing this with the individual at your Sandusky location. This is a global issue—it happens most of the time, at any random Qdoba location that I’ve tried. I’ve spoken to multiple people who have the same complaint, but love Qdoba anyway. It’s all in your procedure—you’re vertically stacking rice, then beans, then meat, then cheese. When you close the burrito and give it the “mash down”, everything becomes vertical (like the Italian flag).

Other places with similar (albeit inferior) products (rhymes with Cleo Chaps) use a bowl. They add all the ingredients to the bowl, and lovingly toss them together before emptying onto the tortilla. Then, every bite of (inferior) meaty cargo has all of the ingredients. It’s a (inferior) song of flavors in every bite!

Why don’t you consider some intermediary step, between the ingredient stack-down, and the wrap-up? I still loyally frequent your restaurants, and even wear a Qdoba shirt I made up with magic markers.

Sincerely,

Jerry

Essay #6: Letter to Faygo and Children's Hospital sent 12/3/2009

When the contest ended on 12/1, we were a few hundred votes ahead (we had almost 1700)--there shouldn't be any issue. The announcement comes on 12/15. Thanks again. Drink your Faygo!

I sent this note to Faygo tonight. I wanted to let Faygo know that they essentially have a free commercial here, if they want it.

I carbon copied my contact at Children's Hospital. This was my way of letting Ellen to know that we're coming. I always see people like Brandon Inge and Nick Lidstrom actually doing things with the kids. I'd prefer the "spend some time there" approach, versus "pass it over the counter" approach. Maybe giving some notice would help. We'll see.

Someone mentioned the idea of having a Wii Delivery Party ahead of time at one of the local establishments (Cheli's? Hockeytown?) on the day of delivery, for anyone interested. Count me in.

But first things first--they have to name the winners.
------------------------------------------

Dear Faygo,

I am a big believer in random acts of kindness--I feel that it lifts the spirits of the giver, as well much as the recipient. I also believe in the strong bonds of family and friendship. Lastly, I believe in giving back.

I am a lifelong Michigan Resident who is blessed and fortunate to have a great job at Chrysler. I have a great family—a wife and two kids, eight and six. Faygo has been a part of my life, as long as I can remember. I feel strong ties, especially in these times, to a local company like Faygo that employs Michigan residents.

Eight years ago, my family and I spent some time at Children’s Hospital of Detroit. My daughter had some precautionary studies done, related to a heart murmur. I was always impressed with their care and support. Moreover, I felt great sympathy to those parents and children dealing with much more than a heart murmur.

Back in October, I sent separate notices to my friends, and to Ellen Burnett, Director of Major Gifts at Children’s Hospital of Michigan. I notified them that I had entered an essay contest through Faygo. I stated that if we won, I would donate the prize to Children’s Hospital. Ellen confirmed that the Child Life Division at Children’s Hospital could use the Nintendo Wii.

I saw this as a great opportunity to do something positive, and rally a great bunch of people together, during really hard times. Furthermore, I saw this as a great opportunity to reinforce the idea of “giving back” for my kids. The past seven weeks have been amazing—family, friends, and friends of friends from around the world rallied around this cause. People really wanted to see this through. .

Through all of this, there was a great feeling about Faygo. There are people all over the country and world, who grew up with Red Pop, Rock and Rye, and Faygo Root Beer, who absolutely love it. My essay practically wrote itself—it came so easily. I’ve essentially become a walking, talking Faygo advertisement.

When the voting closed on Tuesday, it appeared that our entry was in first place by a few hundred votes. I know the results come out on 12/15/09-- I just wanted to make you aware of my intentions, in case Faygo wants to be a further part of this. “Family, Friends, Faygo” has a nice ring to it.

I want to thank you for the opportunity, and for a lifetime of refreshment.

Sincerely,

Jerry Herman

cc: Ellen D. Burnett
Director, Major Gifts
Children's Hospital of Michigan


From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 54 - Kraft Cheese Slice "Skin" - 5/5/1998

Kraft's Customer Service is among the best. They had two options. 1) Call me an idiot. 2) Go out of their way to make me feel appreciated, throwing coupons and even assigning blame on themselves. They took the high road, going as far to say that their "lab" investigated the foreign matter.


Dear Cheese Weasels,

I love cheese. I always have. In high school, some of my cronies nicknamed me “The Mouse”. Between classes, I’d walk down the halls and they’d say “Hey. There goes the Mouse!” I was a good sport about it until some wise apple put a loaded mousetrap into the pocket of my gym short pockets and it went off during calisthenics.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I tried your individual cheese slices. In the past, I had always favored traditional cheese—Colby, Swiss, and Muenster. I love cheese, and that is why it is hard for me to write about what happened.

I like eating cheese sandwiches, and the process of slicing my cheese off of a big block has just become too tedious. So I went to the store and succumbed to temptation. I bought your cheese slices and brought them home. As I opened the package, the pretty maids were all in a row, like a brand new deck of cards. I took one slice from the middle of the deck, placed it on my rye bread, with a leaf of lettuce, a dollop of mayonnaise, some ham and tomato.

As I bit into it, something was strange. The cheese seemed a little tough. The outer skin was almost impossible to chew. The inside tastes so good that I can’t stop eating it. But that outer skin is nasty.

I am dissatisfied with the cheese that I purchased. I would appreciate an explanation as to why each slice I have eaten has been tough. Like a trooper, I ride the storm out with each slice, only to gain the final satisfaction of what I call “inner-cheese bliss”. But these would be much better without the tough outer skin. Are you leaving them out too long? Sometimes with traditional cheese, if I leave it out too long, it gets a tough outer coating. Please respond.

My Cravings I Appease With Plenty of Cheese,

Larry
------------------------------------------------
Response from Kim at Kraft, dated May 7, 1998:

Dear Larry,

We are sorry to learn of your disappointment with our products. Your satisfaction is our greatest concern, and we want to know if a product fails to meet your expectation.

To achieve the high quality products which our consumers have every right to expect, we give careful attention to each step of preparation and packaging in our manufacturing process. We begin with the careful selection and blending of ingredients using proportions and methods that have been outlined by our food technologists in order to achieve the proper flavor and consistency. The production lines are closely monitored, and samples from each production run are tested and evaluated before shipment in an effort to prevent any unsatisfactory products from entering distribution.

The quality of all the cheese is dependent upon the milk supply used, which in turn depends on factors such as times of the year, weather and animal feed. We take into account all of these variables, and maintain strict specifications for the milk and other ingredients. During the manufacture of our cheese products, we are constantly testing and checking moisture and fat content, from the raw ingredients to the finished products, so that our product is uniform in flavor and consistency.

We appreciate your bringing this to our attention and have notified the individuals responsible for the manufacture of this product to try to prevent any recurrence. We regret that you obtained a product that was inconsistent with its usual quality and, therefore, are enclosing reimbursement for your purchase. We hope you will enjoy a new purchase, and that it will meet with your expectations.

Sincerely,

Kim

Enclosed: Coupon for free Kraft Product
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My reply, dated 5/22/1998

Dear Kim,

Thank you for your quick response to my cheese problem.

In your letter, you related the quality of the cheese to the milk supply quality, which depends on factors such as weather. I am wondering if El Nino has reared its ugly head yet again. Because I am finding that every slice of your cheese is affected by the ravages of this strange “skin”. I have begun “peeling” this skin off. I am sending a skin—please have your food technologists analyze it.

In your letter, you mentioned milk as the critical ingredient, and weather as a contributor to its success or failure. I’ll bet when it’s all said and done, the lab results will come back with all signs pointing at…El Nino. Please keep me posted.

Peeling the Skin From My Cheese Again,


Larry

Enclosed: One “skin” (a cheese cellophane wrapper)
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Rhonda’s response, dated June 12, 1998:

Dear Larry,

Thank you for your patience while our laboratory analysts examined the foreign matter you indicated you found in our product, Kraft Deluxe Process Cheese Slices. We appreciate having the opportunity to respond to your concerns.

Our laboratory analysts identified the foreign matter as a piece of plastic packaging. To achieve the high quality products which our customers have every right to expect, we give careful attention in our manufacturing processes to each step of production and packaging. Our quality control personnel maintain close supervision of the production lines in an effort to detect any problems or unsatisfactory packaging. We regularly check our production lines, however, oversights may sometimes occur.

We appreciate your bringing this to our attention and have notified the individuals responsible for the manufacture of this product. Enclosed is a complimentary coupon for your use. We hope we may continue to count you among our most valued consumers.

Sincerely,

Rhonda

Enclosed: Coupon for Kraft Deluxe Process Cheese Slices (Note: NOT INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED!!!!!)

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