Dear KFC,
As a family doctor, I believe strongly in herbal treatments as opposed to unnatural chemical solutions churned out by massive corporations. My studies and past experiences have determined that common herbs--the type that most of us carry in our spice racks and gardens, can treat many an ailment. Amazingly, it often doesn't take much of a particular herb to create drastic improvements in one's overall health and well-being. Unfortunately, I often find that my less-motivate patients avoid their daily herbal dosages for various reasons. Extracts, shakes and powders "taste" bad. Large capsules are "difficult to swallow." Injections "hurt my buttocks." It's enough to drive me crazy. When these patients adhere to my recommendations, we see great results. However, when they avoid my advice, we see relapses and complications.
Among my "problem children," I have prescribed:
We all know that the Colonel's secet recipe is just that. Top secret. I have heard whispered tales of a vault somewhere in Kentucky listing the 11 herbs and spices, and their exact ratio. Rumor has it, folks in various facilities assemble their component of the spice mixture and deliver it to another location. The folks who mix these components together have no knowledge of what they are mixing, or where it came from. Frankly, I wouldn't want to know. Because then, I'm a marked man. Suddenly, Popeye, Church's are stalking me, and and Chic-a-Fil-E is sending a vanful of thugs dressed as cows to capture me and administer truth serum. Truth serum is nasty.
Here is how you can help me, and I can in turn, help you. If you tell me which of my patients would benefit
from a daily ingestion of your fine chicken, I will prescribe this to them. Based on your recommendations, I will, in the future, prescribe it for patients exhibiting these same symptoms.
At the end of each patient's cycle, I will provide you with a detailed report--how the patient progressed. In addition, I wll provide their feedback egarding your chicken. Keep in mind, these are the 17 most finicky eaters on this planet.
In summary, just let me know which patients would benefit (based on my analysis), or if it's easier, which ones would not (that might be a list of 6 names rather than 11).
Sincerely,
Jerry
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Follow-up sent 9/18/2011:
Dear KFC,
You never answered my question. I gave you a list of 17 patients, each of whom I prescribed an herb. I asked which would benefit from your chicken. I don't care about your recipe! I care about my patients! They are like extended family. Again, the list:
Thanks,
Jerry
--------------
As a family doctor, I believe strongly in herbal treatments as opposed to unnatural chemical solutions churned out by massive corporations. My studies and past experiences have determined that common herbs--the type that most of us carry in our spice racks and gardens, can treat many an ailment. Amazingly, it often doesn't take much of a particular herb to create drastic improvements in one's overall health and well-being. Unfortunately, I often find that my less-motivate patients avoid their daily herbal dosages for various reasons. Extracts, shakes and powders "taste" bad. Large capsules are "difficult to swallow." Injections "hurt my buttocks." It's enough to drive me crazy. When these patients adhere to my recommendations, we see great results. However, when they avoid my advice, we see relapses and complications.
Among my "problem children," I have prescribed:
- Thyme for Willie's cough and cold.
- Cayenne pepper for Rose's metabolism and circulation.
- Basil for Taylor's gastric disorders.
- Rosemary (AKA Dew of the Sea) for Shiela's nervous system disorders.
- Cilantro (AKA Mexican Parsley) for Rodney's oxidative cellular damage.
- Black pepper for Margaret's loss of appetite.
- Onion for Stephen's influenza.
- Celery for Angela's gout.
- Paprika for Hugo's ulcers.
- Sage for Joseph's diarrhea (they call him Explosive Joseph).
- Garlic for Bryce's high cholestrol.
- Oregano for Hampton's bronchitis.
- Allspice for Kaitlin's flatulence.
- Marjoram for Timothy's fever-like symptoms.
- Chili powder for Seth's joint pain.
- Parsley (AKA Petroselinum) for Rebecca's rheumatism.
- Mustard powder for Brandon's depression.
- Bay leaves (AKA Turkish Bay Leaf) for Yolanda's headaches.
Here is how you can help me, and I can in turn, help you. If you tell me which of my patients would benefit
At the end of each patient's cycle, I will provide you with a detailed report--how the patient progressed. In addition, I wll provide their feedback egarding your chicken. Keep in mind, these are the 17 most finicky eaters on this planet.
In summary, just let me know which patients would benefit (based on my analysis), or if it's easier, which ones would not (that might be a list of 6 names rather than 11).
Sincerely,
Jerry
-----------------------------
Follow-up sent 9/18/2011:
Dear KFC,
You never answered my question. I gave you a list of 17 patients, each of whom I prescribed an herb. I asked which would benefit from your chicken. I don't care about your recipe! I care about my patients! They are like extended family. Again, the list:
- Thyme for Willie's cough and cold.
- Cayenne pepper for Rose's metabolism and circulation.
- Basil for Taylor's gastric disorders.
- Rosemary (AKA Dew of the Sea) for Shiela's nervous system disorders.
- Cilantro (AKA Mexican Parsley) for Rodney's oxidative cellular damage.
- Black pepper for Margaret's loss of appetite.
- Onion for Stephen's influenza.
- Celery for Angela's gout.
- Paprika for Hugo's ulcers.
- Sage for Joseph's diarrhea (they call him Explosive Joseph).
- Garlic for Bryce's high cholestrol.
- Oregano for Hampton's bronchitis.
- Allspice for Kaitlin's flatulence.
- Marjoram for Timothy's fever-like symptoms.
- Chili powder for Seth's joint pain.
- Parsley (AKA Petroselinum) for Rebecca's rheumatism.
- Mustard powder for Brandon's depression.
- Bay leaves (AKA Turkish Bay Leaf) for Yolanda's headaches.
Thanks,
Jerry
--------------
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