Post # 92 - My Plea for Employment To Mr. Karmanos - 3/23/2010

A friend of mine suggested I write to Peter Karmanos, asking for a job.  Thanks James!

Kwame Kilpatrick is the former Mayor of Detroit.  He was essentially paid $240,000 five wealthy Detroit businessmen, (including Peter Karmanos) to leave the state.  Peter Karmanos, owner of Compuware, the Carolina Hurricanes NHL franchise, and two minor league hockey franchises, then hired  Kwame in Dallas.  Kwame was hired for a sales position in Dallas.  Between all of his court dates in Michigan, it's hard to imagine Kwame getting much done.  The hope was, with a steady gig, he'd repay the city a fraction of the debt that he caused.  Not so fast.

For me, these gestures by Karmanos prompted two questions: 

1) What photos does Kwame have of Peter and the other five families? 
2) How low is the bar at Compuware.  By just being average, I'd probably wow him.

Normally I wait for a response before posting these.  I decided to pull this one ahead because:

1) It's topical.  The judge is making Peter testify about his relationship with Kwame.  Kwame's having probation hearings.

2) I'm pretty sure I won't be hearing back (if I do, I'll post an update).

3) I really like the picture.

---------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Karmanos,


I would like to apply for a sales job. Like other past applicants who have applied, I have no sales experience. That is, unless you count my ten year paperboy career.

However, unlike past candidates that you have hired, I have never spent over $200k of public funds to lease a Navigator, enjoy spa massages, extravagant dining, and expensive wines. Never hosted a party where my strippers got in a fight with my wife, and one was later shot in the head.  Never fired police officers for sniffing around a little. Never been cause for an $8.4 million settlement by my city, for my sexy text messages. Never been indicted.  Never been charged with assaulting a police officer. Never repeatedly committed slander. Never funneled state grant money to the Missus. Never hired family members and given them huge raises.

I know one guy you hired and relocated to Dallas. You paid him at least $100K, and as much as $360K. In fact, I think you and others actually paid him to leave the local area. From what I’m hearing, if I turn one sale, we’re ahead.

Look. I’m not as interesting. I’ve never offered to buy beer for a million Red Wing fans. I don’t have a posse of high school buddies that travel with me everywhere. My mom doesn’t wire me five figure cash ftransfers, or fly me on a private jet. I pay off my pesky debts. I don’t have any awesome prison stories.

Yet at the same time, I don’t get subpoenaed to fly across the country. In an average year, I probably miss two days due to illness. Maybe one personal day every two years for a funeral, or to take a kid to an emergency room.

I just want to throw it out there. The existing standards seem attainable by someone like me. Someone who works hard. Someone more like you.

Thanks,

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 91 - Uncle Milton's Ant Farm and Gummi Bear Fun! - 1/3/2010

I had an ant farm when I was ten. The ants got loose and one bit me. I've been pretty bitter ever since.

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Dear Uncle Milton,

I purchased one of your Ant Farms for my son, Tatum, on his fourth birthday. I thought this would be a great way to teach him responsibility. Last summer, he had taken an interest in the ant hills that decorate our driveway and sidewalk. It seemed harmless.

I gave Tater the responsibilities of feeding and watering the ant population. This was progressing nicely for about a month. Then, Tate became a little creative. Tate decided to reward the colony after a job well done. He had placed some debris (a tooth pick) in one area, and a team of ants moved the toothpick to the other section. Non-participants were isolated, as a form of punishment. Each contributing member was individually recognized, and he awarded them all with a Gummi Bear.

Here’s the rub. The Gummi Bear was actually one of those Gummi Multivitamins. This must have triggered some sort of growth hormone—they started growing. They outgrew their farm, so I (carefully) placed them in a Tupperware container with airholes. Soon, this was too small. I placed them in a 50 gallon tank. The tank worked for a week. They kept growing and growing. Luckily, I moved them outside when they were an inch long.

Now, they are two feet long. They are digging in my yard, They taunt my dog, Yahtzee. They rap on the window at all hours of the night. Neighbors are starting to complain.

Here is my question—is there a humane way to maul these things?  Can I return the Ant Farm if 1) the box is open and 2) I pitched the receipt?  Any information that you can provide is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Jerry
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From: info@unclemilton.com

Subject: RE: Question
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 2010 09:28:17 -0800

Hello,

I would suggest training them to work in your yard, perhaps pulling a rototiller and planting seed. You might even be able to train them well enough to hire them out, allowing you to generate passive income.

As farm as the return, you would need to contact the retailer you purchased the farm from regarding their return policy. If there is a defect with the farm, and you are not able to return it to the retailer, Uncle Milton Industries is only able to exchange it for you if you have a receipt dated within the past 90 days and the toy in the box in saleable condition. If you would like to do this please contact us at 888-742-2484 to receive a return authorization. You will need this authorization before you ship the toy back to us.

Sincerely,

Consumer Services

Uncle Milton Industries

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You May Also Enjoy:

Post #160: Kraft and the Lost Golden Nutty Bar

Post #97: Michigan Brand Old Fashioned Cottage Cheese

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
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Post # 90 - Budweiser Proves Me Wrong and Then Tells Me to Apply - 8-28-2009

Dear Budweiser,

I remember in the second grade, I smuggled saltwater taffy into school. It was the best taste ever, until my teacher, Ms. Bumbleton, approached my desk with a waste paper basket. Spitting out something that I loved was the WORST!

About a year ago, you were running these ads, glamorizing the role of the Budweiser "Taster". You made it sound like Budweiser Tasters had the best jobs on earth, and that everyday at 3:00, they entered paradise (my words, not yours)--your boardroom.

If being a "taster" is such a good job, why do your tasters spit it out?

As one who has responsibly enjoyed your beverages for years and years, I could be a taster and actually swallow it. I think you need to hire some beer drinkers over there.

Fire those sissies who are clearly "do as I say but not as I do" types; hoping, day after day, of being promoted, out of the "Taster" role. They can't tell you if it's good or bad because they hate all of it! They pray, day after day, that you'll bring in some wine coolers for tasting.

Wise up! You're losing market share, and it's their fault!

Sincerely,

Jerry
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From: BudCentral@anheuser-busch.com
Subject: Customer Comment Reference: 5523104
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:16:51 -0500

Hey Jerry,

Thanks for stopping by the site and shooting me an e-mail. I’m flattered by your interest in Budweiser!

As you mentioned, in order to insure every Budweiser tastes the same, BrewMasters meet daily at 3:00. In order to taste the natural bitterness that occurs in Budweiser, it is important for our “Tasters” to swallow the beer. In addition, our Taste Panels not only monitor the quality of the taste, they are also making sure the aroma and color of the beer is the same as the Budweiser that was introduced in 1876. So before the beer is tasted, our BrewMasters examine the way the beer looks and also smell the beer.

I can assure you that one thing we all have in common is that we love beer! We love brewing, tasting and talking about beer, so if there is ever anything I can do to help you out in the future, please don’t hesitate to give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.

You also mentioned that you are interested in working with us. When you get a minute, feel free to check out www.buschjobs.com. The site is updated regularly, so you might want to check back on a regular basis.

Thanks for getting in touch, Jerry. I hope you’ll enjoy the perfect balance of flavor and refreshment with an ice-cold Budweiser soon!

Joe
Your Friend at Budweiser
1-800-DIAL-BUD (1-800-342-5283)
----------------------------------------------
Hey Joe,

So you’re saying there’s no spitting out of beer? That’s a job I can handle. I’ll check your employment section.

Hypothetically, I would be very willing to bring the tunes (“Save my life I’m going down for the last time. Ooooh-AHHHHHHH!!!!). Is the taste panel ever permitted (perhaps on casual Fridays) to say, do a friendly keg stand, or the “Bong-a-bility” test? These are both common practices at frat parties, tail gating events, block parties, and retirement group events. If I were in charge of the panel, these tests would be required.

I appreciate all of your insights.

Jerry

Post # 89 - Letter to a Detroit High School Freshman - 3/17/2010

My friend Joy is involved with a great organization called The Detroit College Promise.  They provide scholarships to Detroit Public Schools.  They were asking for 500 people to write a letter to inspire a high school freshman to focus on college.  I figured, if I can harass an email scammer, I should be able to do this.

This was a great exercise for me.  It made me think about some of my early academic struggles in high school, and the resiliance that it took to dig out.  Let's just say National Honor's Society never came-a-knockin'.

The letter request was HERE

The Detroit College Promise Facebook Fan Page is HERE
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Dear Prospective High School Student,


My name is Jerry. Once I was in your shoes. Four years of high school seemed like it would last forever.

My high school career started off on the wrong foot. Algebra was really tough, and I made the mistake of landing myself in Advanced English. This class, to me, was a struggle from Day 1. I was clearly over my head, and asked to be transferred to the normal English class. My teacher refused. Later, after I graduated, I realized that he was teaching me this lesson: you can’t transfer from most of life’s challenges. You need to face them.

In the spring of my freshman year, I joined the track team. Being the youngest of four, I always felt a little overshadowed by siblings and friends who were better than me at school, swimming, baseball and basketball. I saw track as my chance to “do my own thing”. It helped take my mind off of my classes. My English teacher was also my coach.

I found that as my efforts in track started paying off, my grades started improving. I was working just as hard as when I had struggled, but my attitude was much more positive. Soon, I decided to confront another weakness—swimming. As a kid, I could never pass a certain level. I wound up taking classes and becoming a lifeguard at the local pool. This was the best job ever!

When I graduated, I had raised my GPA high enough to qualify for a half-scholarship at the University of Detroit Mercy. There, I confronted another of my weaknesses: Math. College was probably the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. College was also one of the most rewarding and fun things that I’ve ever done. High school really prepared me for these challenges.

I went on to graduate from UDM and became a Mechanical Engineer. Today, I work as a Mechanical Engineer and Project Manager at Chrysler. I work on steering and suspension on Dodge Trucks and Jeep Grand Cherokees. I have a house, and provide a decent living for my wife and two children.

Each day, as I drive to work, I think about all of the hard work, and the people who helped me along the way. I was very blessed to have great and supportive parents and siblings. I owe a great deal to that English Teacher and Track Coach who made me tough it out. I also owe a great deal to the handful of people along the way who told me “I can’t”. Sometimes, proving your doubters wrong can be the greatest motivator.

At this point in my life, I can’t tell you a lot of specifics about the things that I learned in those high school or college classes. The biggest lessons that I learned weren’t related to any one subject. Rather, I learned about preparation, rising to my challenges, and having confidence in my abilities. These traits transfer to everything I do.

You’re heading to a new place, with a lot of new faces, and new challenges. You have a new beginning, and a clean slate. Don’t lose sight of College at the end of those four years.

You will undoubtedly run into some challenges. How you face these challenges defines who you are. Try not to dig yourself a hole like I did, but also know that if you run into trouble, there are people who can help you. You are the master of your destiny. If you study hard and have confidence in your abilities, you can go to college like I did. You can do this!

Best of luck to you!

Jerry

P.S. – I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you over these next four years.



From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 88 - War On Spam: Monica, The Girl Who Stole Razia's Hat - 1/13/2010

This letter refers to Razia, the star of Post # 86.
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Date: Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:43:25 +0800
From: monicanice09@yahoo.co.id
Subject: Hi

Hi, Am Monica Riche,26yrs,single girl.i will love to know you more
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My response 1/16/2010

Hi Monica.


You sure say a lot in a short sentence. I will love to know you more too.

Me first. I am in the business of cheese. I own a Cheese Shoppe. I make the cheese. I pour milk and bacteria into a vat. I age it, and as it ages, it smells like death. I walk around all day reeking of death. People stay clear of me. I once cleared out the first five rows of an Aerosmith Concert. Joe Perry asked me to please leave. The problem is, I can shower and shower and shower, and the smell never goes away.

On top of that, I have a lot of skin problems and scabies. I have ringworm, a tapeworm, a medium sized goiter and the gout. My jaw cracks when I chew pudding, I burp involuntarily mid-sentence, and I have acne. Lots and lots of that. I also snore.

In addition, I hate little kids and puppies, and I disrespect my elders. I took the mother of my children for everything she owns. She now lives in a shack, which is probably a shame since she's pretty nice. My kids put a positive spin on it--they're closer to nature. I pretty much hate all people with any redeeming values.

I may be a crusty, raunchy, possibly criminal 78 year-old who hates people and life, but I like my ladies. They have to be young and single, and willing to pay attention to me. I like to go to the Gentleman's clubs and spend spend spend on the ladies--the young ones. I have a rule--27 and younger.

What's your story? Please be brief again so we can focus on me again.

Sincerely,

Todd O'Hocketsmitch
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Date: Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:21:01 +0800

From: monicanice09@yahoo.co.id
Subject: RE: Hi

Hi dear,

How are you today and thanks for your mail/care.please Iam Monica Riche from Liberia in w/africa.currently residing in dakar the capital city of senegal in w/africa.please i want us to take things cooperatings.

As i will tell you,my father before his untimely death,was one of the directors of national mining,Golds/Diamonds.

Since the death of my Father i decided to look for a life partner who can take proper good care of me and some little wealths he left behind.Because of this i decided to move out from my country Liberia to senegal to search for a better life partner.

But it was a little bad experience to me since i have not travelled to this country before.it happened that i lost my hand bag containing,my international passport, some samples of Golds and Diamonds and some cash and some valuables inside the bag.this happend in the Airport car parks while i was taking a little rest of my flieght from my country.iam left with only my ID Card.

Dear iam telling you this just because i want us to be help to each other.

Before the untimely death of my father, he burried a box containing some Golds and Diamonds near one flower tree in our compound.and according to my late father,he told me that the cost value of those items is between 50,000 US$ to 100 000 US$.

Dear please i want you to assist me with some little cash for my travel back home to get those items.then i will return back here with it,then i can sell some for my tickets and travelling documents and we arrange on how to meet.

if possible you can come down here yourself and take me along with you.

i promise to be loyal to you as long you can help me now that i need your assistance.

kindly get back to me on time. iam waiting please..As already now,you know my current situation here in this new country iam .

And please kindly send to me your picture/contacts address.Here is my pictures for you.

Please Dear,do not delay to get back to me please.we must be of great help to each other

Thanks for your understandings and cooperations.

yours future partner,

Monica Riche
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My response dated 1/18/2010

Hey Mon Mon,

Count me in. But let's settle something right now.

I'm also dating Razia, and her hat is missing. I think you stole it. Give it back.

Also, I expect a sincere apology.

There's no point in proceeding until this happens.

Sincerely,
Todd O'Hocketsmitch
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Date: Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:44:57 +0800
From: monicanice09@yahoo.co.id
Subject: RE: Hi

Please dearest tell me if you are able to solve this matter out with me then i can count you in.we must be of great help to each other.thanks.Monica.
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My response, sent 1/19/2010

Look Hat Thief,

Razia's pee-oh'ed at you. She told me to tell you that you'd better get that hat back to her ASAP. For me, the formal apology is a more important gesture than the returning of the hat. The hat is a crappy piece of felt with a feather. The apology is the very bedrock of the foundation of our business partnership. I often find, in these situations, a nice verse works well. Doesn't have to rhyme. Just show a little creativity.

Razia's exact words last night on the phone: "Don't you make me come over there and get that hat myself." Apparently you two live near one another and know one another. Please make this situation right. Then we can move forward.

Sincerely,

Todd O'Hocketsmitch

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com