Post # 87 - Hewlett Packard and How They Short You a USB Cable - 2/20/2010

My friend Wendy commented on my note to Phillips (they shorted me a cable and memory card for my digital frame, and said nothing on the box about needing them).  Her complaint was related to the HP printer she purchased.  I sent this note to HP CEO Mark Hurd.

Wendy owns a boutique called Poppy.  There's all kinds of cool stuff on there--clothing, gifts, you name it.  Check it out HERE.

Dear Hewlett Packard,

I’m calling you by your real name because you’re in trouble. You really did it this time. Last week, I was finishing my essay for a $10,000 scholarship. I was racing against the clock—we had a February 15th deadline. Since the entry needed to be postmarked, I needed to make the post office by 5:00. Don’t get judgmental—I’m a college student with 19 credit hours and a 20 hour a week job.

As I printed out my essay, my old printer (worry not--not an HP) made a squealing noise, and started smoking. I extinguished it, hopped in the car, and headed to my local retailer. It was now 4:15 PM.

The fellow at the store recommended the HP Office Jet J4500. I thought it was a bit pricy on a college student’s budget, but felt comfortable with the HP name. I glanced at the box—it looked all-inclusive, so I paid the fellow and raced home.

I unboxed it, plugged it in, and installed the ink cartridges. I placed it close to my computer. My thoughts then went to: “how long of a cord did they give me”. I searched the box. Nothing. I searched the floor around the desk. Nothing. I peaked inside the printer. No USB cable, as thanks for my $150 purchase.

Then I quickly looked at the box—did I miss something? Was there a “USB Cable Not Included” warning on the box? No. Did you automatically assume I had a spare cord? Awfully presumptuous, if so.

I quickly hopped back in the car, went back to the store, dished out $12.99 for a USB cable, and raced home. Now it was 4:45. By the time I connected the J4500 and got it up and running, it was past 5:00. I missed my chance. HP had a big hand in this.

What would possess you to not provide the connection cord necessary to print from my computer? I’m really sorry that I haven’t jumped on the wireless internet bandwagon. Do bean counters dictate everything? Whatever happened to “Make the customer happy?”

I was going to call my essay “Going to College on Top of Cloud Nine” but I think I’ll change it to “Going to College on Top of Cloud Nine, as Long as I Don’t Have to Print Anything Out on My HP J4500, Because They Don’t Provide a USB Cable.

I’d like a written explanation. I’m thinking I might take this thing back, on principle.

Sincerely,

Jerry
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Valued Customer,

Your message is important to me. Although I cannot personally respond to your message due to the volume of messages I receive, I often pass along suggestions and observations to my colleagues throughout Hewlett-Packard. If action is required, I'll have someone follow up.

If you need help, other information, or wish to send an e-mail about particular HP products and services, please visit our Contact HP page.

Sincerely,

Hewlett-Packard Company
----------------------------From: external.ceo-communication@hp.com

CC: email.ecr@hp.com
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:30:28 +0000
Subject: RE: Feedback to CEO and President Mark Hurd from Jerry

Thank you for writing to HP with your feedback. We value your opinion, and we're grateful that you took the time to share your thoughts with HP. We will be documenting your comments which will be reviewed by HP management.

If there is more you'd like to add, or if there is an unresolved issue, do not hesitate to call the HP Executive Customer Relations office at 800-756-0608, option 7, Monday through Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., Pacific Time.

Sincerely,

CEO Customer Relations
------------------------------------------------------
To: external.ceo-communication@hp.com
Subject: FW: Feedback to CEO and President Mark Hurd from Jerry
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:50:41 -0500
CEO Customer Relations (CCR),

Is this where it ends? A note on some dry erase board in some over-pastried Friday morning executive workshop? Couldn't you have USB cords made pretty inexpensively, and bought in bulk? Isn't that the real answer instead of turning people off?

Why not begin a new era--one where the customer is always first?

Jerry
-----------------------------------------
From: external.ceo-communication@hp.com

CC: email.ecr@hp.com
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:06:57 +0000
Subject: RE: Feedback to CEO and President Mark Hurd from Jerry

USB cables have not been included for a number of years now, and you'll find this to be industry wide. The reason for this is that although some customers still connect their printers to computers with cables, all do not; wireless is fast becoming the norm. Those that do connect the printer to a computer require varying lengths. Having the customer purchase the USB cable to suit their individual need keeps the price down for everyone.

Sincerely,

CEO Customer Relations
-----------------------------------------------------
From: external.ceo-communication@hp.com
Subject: FW: Feedback to CEO and President Mark Hurd from Jerry
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 2010 19:14:17 -0500

Dear CCR,

You'll probably find disappointed customers industrywide as well. That doesn't make it right. Most people go to garages when they need an oil change, but that doesn't make it right to hose the do-it-yourselfer by making the oil filter impossible to reach with a human hand.

Many toys come without batteries, but the box normally says "Batteries Not Included" so Santa doesn't look like a jerk for giving Timmy a toy he can't play with on Christmas morning.

I guess what I'm saying is, maybe you cut your costs by not including a 4 foot USB cable, and if that keeps you viable, great. But you should slap a warning on the box. For $150, I don't think that's too much to ask.

Thanks,

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Essay # 7 - Revisiting "Why" 3/7/2010

Every now and then, I need to do a reality check . Why do I do this?

When I first started writing letters, I was trying to “get free stuff”. If a watch broke, or sunglasses, I wanted to get them replaced for free. If someone wasn’t happy with something, I wanted to get it fixed. I found that wrapping the meat of the letter with whimsical characters and story development, made the process easier for all.

-I had fun creating something.

-The people around me laughed.

-People at companies who are paid to read letters seemed to respond better.

-The more I write, the faster and easier it becomes.

Soon, I found out that I really enjoyed putting the stories together, and sharing them, as I did getting the response. A friend suggested that I develop this into a blog, which I started last August. That has affected my writing in several ways:

1) It puts me on a schedule. Without writing letters, I have nothing to share with you all.

2) It gives me a “live” audience. People give me immediate feedback, and great ideas.

3) When I get nonperishable food coupons on behalf of you, we generally agree to donate the food to charity, which makes me feel like a little less of a jerk when I tear into a company.

4) It makes me think twice about what I say. I don’t like offending people.

5) I get to create my own little hokey illustrations, which may be my favorite part of all.

Several have suggested getting my letters published. I explored this several years ago, and didn’t get too far. I figure if I write enough, I’ll have a bigger pool from which to select. The support from you all has been great—both readers and fellow writers.

This is such a departure from my actual career, it serves as a great hobby and stress release. I feel that writing has improved my communication skills, and recharges my batteries.

Last week, I received a note from Google. The note contained my PIN for the ad account on my site. It seems that enough people have clicked on the Google Ads on my blog page to earn some money. This transaction would not pay for a movie and popcorn—more like one or the other. But I’m proud of it nonetheless. It’s something tangible, a result of people reading my letters. 

It's something that I owe to all of you,

Thanks for all of your support!

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 86 - War on Spam: Razia the Refuge - 7/29/2009

This was a scam note from someone named Razia. I even found her on Snopes.com
---------------------------------------------------------

Dearest,

My dear I am writing this mail with tears and sadness and pains. I know it will come to you as a suprise since we haven't known or come across each other before, but kindly bear with me at this moment. I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. My situation at hand is miserable but I trust in God and hope you will be of my help. My name is Razia Ibrahim Bare 25years old girl and I held from Republic of Niger the daughter of Late General Ibrahim Bare Ma?nassara the former President of the Republic of Niger who was ambushed and killed by dissident soldiers at the military airport in the capital, Niamey with his driver and a former Prefect. You can see more detail about my late father here

http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/april/9/newsid_2463000/2463927.stm

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. I am presently staying in the Mission camp in Burkina Faso.

I am seeking for longterm relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of USD$6.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am affraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money. Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. I have my fathers death certificate and the account number which I will give you as soon as you indicated your interest to help me.

It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assitance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you alot in anticipation of your quick response. I will send you my photos in my next email.

Yours Sincerely

Razia Ibrahim Bare

--------------------------------------------------
My response to Razia on 7/29/2009:

Dear Razia,

Sorry about your sadness, and pains. Your stepmother sounds like a real bitch.

My father invented gum. At first, he was lauded in our town as a hero for such an invention. Everyone chewed and chewed gum like there was no tomorrow. Later, he was banished because the elders in our small town blamed him for inflicting toothlessness on our entire town. There isn’t a tooth standing among the remaining townspeople, between the ages of 68 and 95.

Consequently, I grew up in solitude—wealthy solitude. Wrigley, Hubba Bubba, Bubble Yum, Bazooka Joe, and Bubbalicious all pay me $0.10 per piece in royalties. I need a soul mate. Last night I prayed for one, and POOF ! Your email came.

I’m really sorry about your dad. You sound smokin’ hot.

As I type this, I am filling out paperwork to open a joint bank account with you. I am reserving the local country club for the first Saturday in September, and preparing to fly 100 of your closest family and friends. But not your stepmom, that whore. Upon completion of our blessed day, we will be one forever. You will be a US Citizen. They can all live in guest wings in our mansion, as long as they know their boundaries!

I am also looking into mercenaries to off your whorish stepmom. Let me know if you want anyone else "taken care of".

Let’s do this! Let me know how we get the business part going too!

Sincerely,

Thomas Von GumBase

PS--I’m hoping you’re into some weird stuff!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Razia's response on 7/31/2009:

My Dear,

Thanks a lot for your quick response. I need your help to stand as my trustee in transferring the money to your bank account for investment project. As I told you in my earlier mail, I am staying in the mission at Burkina Faso and I haven't a personal telephone number to be reached. But if you wish to contact me on phone, I can be reached through the office telephone number of the Mission coordinator. His name is Father Silas and the telephone number is +226 78 66 52 73. If you call, please tell him that you want to speak with Razia Ibrahim Bare. I'm staying in Block 22 female hostel.

The reason why I ask you to contact the bank as my trustee is because I have contacted them on my arrival in order to clear the money but the Branch manager who I met in person told me that my status as a refugee does not authorized me to transfer the money. He advised me to seek for someone who will represent me and transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afriad that she will not release the money to me after presenting her to clear the money because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange seceretly and sold my father's estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves and when I confronted them my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land does not entitled me to share assets of my father as a single young girl. Ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel. Right now I want you to help me because you are God sent and you will never regret of helping me.

Please send me your full contact information which include:

Your full name:
Contact address:
Telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your photos to see you:

Information above is very important for me to know you well so as to proceed futher with trust. As soon as I receive them I will give you the contact of the bank were my father deposited the money. And you will contact them as my trustee and ask them to transfer the money into your bank account for investment project. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send me some amount to process my traveling documents which I will use to travel and settle in your country so that I can further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply..

Yours truly,

Razia Ibrahim Bare

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My note to Razia, on 7/30/2009:

Dear Lovely,

If your stepmom or uncle have any family recipes that you want, you’d better hurry up and get them, if you know what I mean. Also, don’t get in the car with them.

Here’s my info:

Full Name: Thomas Von GumBase

Contact Info: 2 Many Raisin Way, Reststop Run, New Jersey 80888

Age: 25

Occupation: Heir to the Gum Fortunes of my deceased father

Marital Status: Eligible

Nationality: Swiss Colby American

Please see my photo.

Sincerely,

Thomas Von GumBase

------------------------------

No reply. Sent this note on 8/2/2009:

Dear Razia,

It’s been three days. What the hell. Are you seeing someone else now?

The plans are in place—stay AWAY from your whorish stepmom for a while.

What are the next steps?

Love,

Tom

------------------------------------------
No reply

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 85 - Guest Post on Intense Auburn's Blog - 3/4/2010

I'm very honored today to be guest-posting on my friend Joy's blog.  Reading her posts is always a highlight in my day.

The letter is posted on her site, HERE

You can (and should definitely) join her Facebook Fan Page

Enjoy!


From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 84 - Morningstar Farms Vegetarian Bacon - 2/21/2010

My friend Deanne brought this to my attention.  She posted a note about it on her blog, RealChick Chat, which I recommend.  Thanks Deanne!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Morningstar Farms,

They said it couldn’t be done.

For centuries and civilizations, no one could break the four minute mile. Then one day, after a breakfast of biscuits and gravy, Roger Bannister limbered up and stuck his wet thumb in the proverbial cupcakes of all of mankind. Roger Bannister did it.

They said that only the wealthy could drive the horseless buggy. Not only did Henry Ford make the automobile accessible to the common man, he also revolutionized the assembly line and brought jobs to a new and booming industry. Henry Ford did it.

They said that no one could fly across the Atlantic in an airplane. In 1927, a young pilot, armed with five PB&J’s, flew to Paris. Charles Lindbergh did it.

They said that it would be impossible to derive bacon or bacon-like product out of vegetation. Well, the fine folks at Morningstar Farms said “just hold on a second”. Let’s mix egg whites, soybean oil with TBHQ, textured soy protein concentrate, modified corn starch, wheat gluten, hydrolyzed vegetable protein, with less than two percent of glycerin, salt, soy protein isolate, sodium citrate, sodium phosphate, sugar, and natural and artificial flavors. The result (drum roll)…..Morningstar didn’t do it.

It looks more like something my kids might produce with their Crayola crayon machine. I offered some to my dog—I think it offended her. She left me a "canine message" on the living room floor.

Was this like the US/Soviet race to the moon? Did you feel like you had to beat Jennie-O to some patents by rushing this product to the market? Are you still dialing in the taste and textures?

Did we learn nothing from Bac-O’s?

Look, true vegetarians wouldn’t be interested in something that was supposed to resemble a fatty cross-section of pig belly. Right? You thought about that, right?

I just wanted to give you another point of view. I’m not perfect either. None of us are. You do so many other things well—why not just focus on those?

I’ll leave you with two questions:

1) Who invented vegetarian bacon?
2) Does he or she have a dog?

Sincerely,

Jerry
----------------------------------------
From: kellogg@casupport.com

Subject: Morningstar Farms® Consumer Affairs 020763173A
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:32:34 -0600

Jerry,

Thank you for letting us know how you feel about Morningstar Farms® Veggie Bacon Strips. We appreciate our consumers sharing their opinions with us.

Trying a new product is often a fun experience. We understand that you were looking forward to enjoying our breakfast products and are sorry to hear that this didn't measure up to your family's expectations. We are sending a coupon you can use towards the purchase of other products that you enjoy. Please allow 7-10 business days for delivery.

Our goal is to have our consumers enjoy every product we offer. However, we know that not all of our consumers will approve of the new foods or reformulations that we introduce. Thanks to comments like yours, we are able to continually improve our products. We appreciate your input and will share your remarks with our food development and marketing teams.

Again, thank you for the taking the time to share your views. We hope to keep you as a loyal consumer for many years to come.

Sincerely,

Rachel

Consumer Affairs Department
XLXRVX01/OPS
020763173A



From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com